I let her down. I wasn't there for her when she needed me, and now I feel really guilty for it. I have been so caught up with my own problems and trying to hide from myself that I didn’t see that she needed me. I don’t know what to do to make it up to her, but I have to try.
The best way for me to try to deal with my problems, is to either hide from them, or pretend they don’t exist. And every day I hurt more because of it. I have to hide from the people closest to me, because I know if they get too close they will see what's really in my eyes. And it hurts; I can’t even begin to explain how much it hurts. And that is what she is going through right now, and I don’t want her to hurt the way I am right now. I don’t want her to hurt. But I don’t know what to do about it. How can I try and make her talk about what's going on with her, when I refuse to talk about what's going with me? How can I expect her to come to me to talk about stuff, when I refuse to ask for help myself? But it's like this; I need to get through to her just like someone needs to get through to me. I need to stop trying to be brave and keep everything bottled up. But I can’t let my smile slip, it's the only protection I have.

I don’t know what I'm doing wrong, as hard as I try and hunt for red Guardians, I just can’t seem to find any. I know they are out there somewhere, maybe I am just looking in the wrong place. I think I may have to just give up looking for a while and get back to training, I can’t keep spending my time looking for something that isn’t there.

I've been hearing a lot of things about fallfest, and I have to say, it sounds amazing. I really can’t wait for it to start. I hope it's as good as everyone says it is. I need to get a festival token so I can get a costume, it's going to be great.

I haven’t been around too much lately, and when I am around I sit at the guild hall just waiting. I'm not sure what I'm waiting for or even why, but I just know that it feels safe there. I have a lot of things on my mind and I am trying to so hard to sort them out so I can get back to the way I used to be. I'm no fun to be around these days, which is probably why hardly anyone talks to me now. I don’t blame them for not wanting to be around me, I wouldn’t want to be around me either right now. I feel like I've lost everyone close to me, and I hate that feeling and I don’t know what to do to get them back. I've been trying to deal with things on my own and I've pushed them away, I guess they finally gave up on me. I'm just surprised they didn’t do it sooner. A really good friend once said that she would be there for me, no matter what, and I know she is, but she has her own stuff going on and I don’t want her to worry. I think I just need a little more time and then everything will be great again, I hope so anyway.

When I woke up S was there, I ran and leaped into his arms, it seems like so long since I last did that. So we were talking and G was there and she asked him if we were going to get bonded. He said that we hadn't really discussed it, but it was looking good. So I guess all I can do now is sit back and wait for him to ask me. I told him I love him, it's the first time I said that to him. I do love him, he makes me smile, and I can feel myself grinning every time I hear his name. But there's still a part of me that's holding back. I just don’t want to get hurt again, and I know he wouldn’t do that, but then I thought that before with someone else.

I don’t know, I just feel really distracted at the moment, I don’t know why. So I am spending the day farming, I really can’t train but I need to do something to keep my mind busy. I don’t like to think too much right now. Well so I'm in the mountains just farming but not really trying that hard, and G suggested that we play a game, I said eye spy but they didn’t agree so we played a word game. It was so funny there was one point where both S and me shouted out the same thing. In the end I just gave up farming and just sat down on the ground and played this game. Some of the things we were coming out with were pretty funny, but I guess it's one of those moments where you have to be there.

I'm trying not to hide in the shadows so much now. I'm slightly happier so I don’t need to try to keep out of sight. Plus if I stay in the shadows I will miss out on all the fun we’ve been having in the guild.